Set the scene: a weekday morning, two kids aged 6 and 4 with their parents, trying to get out the door for school and work. The 7:02 “shoes on” alarm has just sounded.
Mom, speaking to Child 1, Please put your shoes on.
But Mom, did you know I can see atoms?
That’s neat. Put your shoes on.
Individual atoms.
Amazing. Do you have your water bottle?
What are atoms made of?
You already know that one.
But what are electrons made of?
Please put your shoes on and get your water bottle - we’ll look it up later.
Child 2 enters, hair unbrushed, no socks in sight: I want a braid.
Oh geez, where did your socks go?
One braid, like Rumi.
If you put your socks on and brush your hair really fast, I might be able to do it.
But, Mama! What are electrons made of?!
Put your shoes on!
Mama!
Quarks! They’re made of quarks! For the love of all that is holy, put your shoes on your feet and walk out the door!
Child 2 is now crying without her Rumi braid and Child 1 will be walking out the door angry that his mother refused to Google what electrons are made of.
What a way to start the day.
I have so much empathy and respect for the job my parents did raising my two sisters and me. Parenting is not what I thought it would be. Disclaimer: I have two very healthy and robust children who can communicate with my wonderful husband and me, as well as an enormous amount of help from our parents and other family.
And yet, it is difficult.
Sure, I expected plenty of sass and frustrating moments, but like many parents, I wasn’t prepared for the isolation and the constant weight of doubts. How am I ever going to get good at this when I feel like I never know what I’m doing? And I really wanted to be good at it!
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, a parent himself, recently warned about the public health cost of parental stress. Parenting has never been easy and as someone who is reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books to her kid, I can tell you I feel extremely fortunate to be living in an age with antibiotics, insulated boots, and public libraries, to name a few modern conveniences.
I will not paint a picture of parenting perfection in the past or in isolated cultures or developing nations, but it is helpful to recognize the broad shift from parenting with “your village” to parenting in a single-family unit.
As Michaleen Doucleff explores in Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans, there are alternatives to the authoritarian model of parenting that predominates in the United States.
When she was struggling with her own little tornado of a child, Doucleff embarked on a world tour to learn from Inuit, Maya, and Hadzabe parents. She came away not just with general advice but specific strategies like roleplaying, storytelling, and letting kids be fully in charge of a challenging task (with some forethought and support, of course).
This book and an ensuing dive into parenting podcasts, family therapy podcasts, and of course lots of kvetching with friends over text have helped me build my parenting village and gain a little trust in myself.
At this point I’m pretty convinced that I will only know “how to parent” my four- and six-year old by the time they are five and seven. And by the time they are teenagers, all bets are off.
But for now, I will take a deep breath, try to stay calm, and write down something funny my kids said before bed every night so I can go to sleep with a smile on my face.
After all, it’s only on some mornings that I scream about quarks on the way out the door. On others, we enjoy a banging “shoe party song” while we put our shoes on, and dance out the door, happy to be our own little family.
Sydney Null is an organic vegetable grower.
The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of TSPR or its license holder, Western Illinois University.
Diverse viewpoints are welcomed and encouraged.